Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag - Perplexed in Paducah

Dweezil and Squig creep silently into Maia's office.  Noiselessly they hop on the desk chair and extending a claw, Squig opens her laptop.  Dweezil, peering into the computer, extends a claw and types in Maia's password.  They wait until the computer comes on and then turning his head, Dweezil says, "wait until I get the camera turned on and then smile when I look over at you.."

Sqig nods in agreement and waits while Dweezil gets things up and running, and then as Dweezil mutters "lights, camera, action, we're on, Smile!" both cats sit up and smile up into the camera.

"Good morning all of my Internet friends, I'm your kindly Uncle Dweezil, and this", he continues, turning his head in Squig's direction," is my good friend, Squigman."

"Today, I have chosen a letter from our little friend, Perplexed in Paducah.  Dear Uncle Dweezil, " he intoned in a smarmy tone of voice, "I love my human mommie."

"Of course you do."

"And I follow her all of the house, including that little room where she goes and sits down. One day I realized that what she was sitting on was a human sized pee pee hole and I wondered if maybe somewhere in the house, I could find a cat sized one, that's already made and not in my litter box."

"Uh oh," Squig muttered under his breath, knowing exactly where this was heading.

"So one day when we were in the room where she chops up food, I found one.  Excitedly I jumped on top of it and proudly used the pee pee hole. Do you know what she did! Instead of praising me and telling me how smart I was, she smacked me and told me I was a bad kitty. I am perplexed.  What did I do wrong?

"You made a very honest mistake and I have decided to use your letter as a reason to go into the very important topic of the careful construction of the pee pee hole.  Lets go outside, since many of you of acess to the great outdoors.  First you must never construct your hole in an area that looks like a litter box. If something has four constructed sides, walk away. 

Instead, try and find a small stream.  Maybe one underneath the waving branches of weeping willow tree.  It is here that you can find a zen spa like environment in which to dig your pee pee hole."

"Dweeze," Squig interjected, "This is a pee pee hole we're talking about.  You dig it, you do your cat business, you cover it up and leave.  What's up with the zen spa like environment? I don't know what one is and I bet little Perplexed doesn't either.

"Squigman,  Squigman, Sguigman, " Dweezil sighed, "What are you doing while Maia is watching all of those home decorating shows.  Don't you know that if the human room does not have a zen spa like environment, the human hires big men with big hammers to smash it up until it does.  We cats don't have to go to all that trouble.  We just have to go outside to find that serene zen spa like environment.

"But Dweeze what if Perplexed lives in a big city, or a crowded suburb, or worse yet, a place where there a bunches of coyotes, just waiting to grab our little..."

"Enough, why do you always have to make things so difficult.  If I say he should try and find a zen spa like environment that's what he should do.

"But Dweeze,"

"Zip it,"

"But Dweeze,"

"ZIP IT," Dweezil hissed drawing a claw across his mouth.

TO BE CONTINUED
 

Taking Back Control More or Less

"Dweezil, Jolie" I shout walking into the barn area,"What is the meaning of this?  Stop this fighting right now."

"Maia," Jolie shreiked, Running over to me, "Dweezil ruined your blog, and then he said that I was annoying, and then he said," she continued, smacking her lips like a foal, "that my buttocks are ugly and hideous."

"Dweezil," I said as firmly as I could, "I will deal with you in a minute."

"Jolie, your buttocks (pronounced correctly) are just fine and you are not annoying, you're just young." At which point Jolie turned her head in Dweezil's direction and stuck out her tongue.  Who knew horses could do that?

"OK Dweezil, just what to you think you are doing?"

"Taking over your unused blog," he remarked snidely while closely examining his claws."

"Well that's not going to happen you imperious little toad"

"Pope Dweezil, the imperious toad," Sqig thought to himself.  That was close, really really close, but not quite there.

"It's a done deal, I've done it.  We have taken over and we have such plans for this blog."

"Such as?" I inquired, dreading what I was about to hear.

"Well, first there's Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag, where I go online and answer some of the letters that have been pouring in for me.  And then there's Jolie's training from her viewpoint."

"Oh yes,  oh yes," Jolie responded jumping up and down and I'm sure people are going to want to know if I'm going to Miss Lita's or Mr. Jim's and what I think about that and how everybody loves me and thinks I beautiful."

"Uncle Dweezil's mailbag and Jolie's point of view on her training," I thought to myself "Yikes the implications were scary in the extreme. But on the other hand, if I let them try and things go as far out of control as I suspect they will, I can get this blog back without too much of a fight. And it's always better to do an end run around these three rather than  try and meet them head on when they club together.

Ok you three, you can give it a go.  But understand this Dweezil, you had better not get obnoxious while you're doing it.

"Pope Dweezil the obnoxious,"  Squig gloated, grinning from ear to ear.  It really was too perfect.

It Hits the Fan Part 2

"Hi cats," Jolie called out trotting up to the boys, and then stopping in mid stride as she caught a glimpse of the new blog design, said "Holy cramolie, which one of you did this?"

"He did," Squig answered looking over at Dweezil with a decided stink eye.

Jolie coming closer to the newly altered sidebar, began to read aloud.

"Featuring Sir Dweezil, that's a nice picture Dweeze.  With appearances by his wingman, Sqig.  Dweeze, Squig isn't a bird or a human, he's a cat. So, he can't be a wingman now can he?"

She thought for a few seconds and then said, "he could be your claw cat or cackle, chuckle, snort, your paw pal."

Dweezil and Squig rolled their eyes and simultaneously sighed.

"And what's this," she continued, getting more agitated by the nanosecond, "and unfortunately also, the lovely BUT ANNOYING JOLIE.

Who says I'm annoying" she demanded. "I want to know right now, who said I'm annoying."

"He did," Sqig replied, extending a claw in Dweezil's direction.

"I am not annoying," Jolie shrieked as she stomped over to Dweezil. Everyone knows I'm wonderful. You have to be the only one on the planet who thinks I'm annoying.  And the only reason you do is because, you are peculiar."

"Pope Dweezil the peculiar," Squig pondered the idea and then discarded it.

"And the other thing that's way wrong with my piece of your slimy pie, is that picture. That's one of my baby pictures.  Why didn't you put up one of me now, wearing this cute outfit.

"If ," Dweezil answered, "you happen to be referring to that disgusting filthy rag currently covering your body, you might want to rethink that request."

"This is not a disgusting, filthy rag.  This is a cute outfit and I'm wearing it because I'm special."

"No," Dweezil responded, smiling up at her nastily,"you are not wearing that rag because you are special.  You are wearing it, because at present, you hiney is hairless."

"My what is what!"

"Your hiney is hairless," he replied patiently and then for clarification purposes continued with, "Yes, your hiney is hairless. Your patoot is pale. And your buttocks are bare." (a small aside, Dweezil being Dweezil pronounced the word buttocks with a hard b, a hard u and then tocks.)

"I don't know what a buttocks (pronounced the same way) is, but if I have one, it's beautiful."

"Yes you do and no it's not.  It's bare"

"It's beautiful."

"It's bare."

Jolie, reaching her neck down so that she was face to face with Dweezil, layed her ears flat back and hissed, "Listen up cat, my buttocks is beautiful":

Dweezil laying his ears flat back and puffing himself up to twice his size, hissed right back, "No it's not, it's bare.  And that missy, is the end of that."

"Oh no it's not cat.  It's just the beginning,"

TO BE CONTINUED

It Hits the Fan Part 1

"What the f**!" Sqig demanded looking at the new sidebar.  "What have you done Dweeze?  What's this featuring "Sir Dweezil" with appearances by his "wingman" Squig?  And what's with that picture!  I look like a damn idiot in that picture.  I don't like this one bit."

"Now, now, Sqigs, let's all calm down here.  When you hear my rationale, I'm sure you're going to like the sidebar." Dweezil said, putting a conciliatory paw around Squig.

"I'm waiting," Squig replied laying his ears back.

"There can be only one featuring credit and since I was here first, that gets to be me. Now I know in the past I've referred to you as my boon companion, but I'm trying to introduce a fun, edgy element into the site, while still keeping the overall classy and refined feel.  And since wingman is such a popular term these days, I decided to use it."

"Soo", Sqig responded, throwing off the conciliatory paw, "let me get this straight. You get to be the featuring element with the great picture while I get to be the edgy, fun element with the stupid picture. Want to know what I think about that?"  Here's what I think about that...

Smack, whack, smack.

"Oh why," bemoaned Dweezil, in a totally ill used and put upon tone of voice, "is violence always the first response of the ignorant?"

"Why stop at Sir Dweezil? " Sqig hissed, "Why not King Dweezil?  Maybe Maia can photoshop a tiara on top of your head.Or better yet, I understand there's going to be a vacany in the Vatican.  Why don't you apply and then you could be Pope Dweezil.  Pope Dweezil, the...."

"Pope Dweezil, the what?" Dweezil asked innocently.

"Give me time. I'm trying to think of a big word that describes you."

Dweezil sat down and curled his tail around his legs.  Yawning a huge yawn that showed all of his teeth to their best advantage, thought to himself. "If I'd known I was going to be hanging around here all afternoon waiting for him to think of a big word to describe me, I would have brought a few mice with which to amuse myself while waiting."

TO BE CONTINUED ....

A Coup of Sorts

Dweezil, carefully took off his artist's smock, sat down, and folding his paws, looked over at the new side bar.  "That is so much better," he thought to himself with a smug sence of self satisfaction. Now this blog reflects the way things truely are.  I can hardly wait to get started.

Winter

Don't faint, but I'm sorta, kinda back.  More or less.  Well I'll be back if everyone stays healthy.  Crossing fingers, toes and eyes.We here in the East get winter and here's what it looks like:

Now it is Super Bowl Sunday and the Ravens are playing and they are playing the 49ers, sooo.... Let the best team win.  Hopefully, I'll be back with some more pictures before summer.

I'm Back

Well, I had planned to do some whiny little post about the "Summer of My Discontent" where everything went to hell in a hand basket.  They combined three hospital;, my niece ran away from what we now call her insignificant other, arriving back east with her things, two dogs and a two year old; my filly had a hideous hock injury which went from being life threatening to performance squashing, to healed completely with no ill effects, and oh yes, my mother broke her pelvis.  Gee can life get any more fun than this? Oh I guess this a whiny little post.  Oh well.

Anyway, some nice things happened out of all of this.  I lost ten pounds, have gotten into really good shape, and have started writing again.  Who'd a thunk it. Well now on to the point of this post.  It's fall and the light and color really won't get this good again until April, so make the most out it. I took these shots with my walking around camera and edited them in PS and PicMonkey.  OK Vaquero Girl stop laughing right now.  I know what I said, so now I'm taking it back.  Don't I get some credit for fessing up? So here's what I like from this week.

So now on to my very first book review.  Something that I'm not very good at, but oh well.  The book is Dixie Divas, by Virginia Brown. For those of you who are serious, intellectuals and like books featuring torture, neurotics and tedious amounts of introspection, you can walk away now, this book is not for you. But for the rest of you, first a piece of advice:  DO NOT READ THIS BOOK IN A PUBLIC PLACE WHILE ENJOYING ANYTHING LIQUID, if you don't want a totally humiliating experience featuring said liquid and your nose to occur, it's that funny.  If you laugh like a hyena, you might want to skip reading it in a public place period.

Now what is this book about. It's about a group of ditsy middle aged women who enjoy life immensely and solve a murder.  I've given some thought to whether only southerners would find this funny and the rest of you, after a chapter or two; would toss it away, thinking to yourself, "only a superficial wombat would like this book,and Maia what does that say about you!"

Well that's all for now.  Stay tuned.  If I can get away from the hospital, the barn, and the ongoing soap opera featuring my family, I will be back next Sunday.  About the soap opera, I'm having a real hard time deciding which one of them will get the Betty Davis award this year, for the most over the top dramatic performance by an actress in a tortured role.