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Sunday, July 28, 2013

M. Dweezil's Ecole de Charme - Part 1

Squig walked into the kitchen and was shocked.  He wasn't sure why.  By now he should be immune to Dweezil's antics,  But somehow they always managed to take him by surprise.  Today, Dweeze was marching around in a stupid looking beret and there was a large film screen set up in one corner.  Someone was helping him again, but who? Now if he was Dweeze, he would be putting on a Sherlock Holmes hat and marching around with a pipe muttering things like, "Elementary, my dear Squigman."

Drumming his claws on the floor, he thought about it for awhile as he took in all of the particulars of this latest insanity.  There was Dweezil marching around looking officious and there was little Annie, sitting primly behind a small desk.  She had a large pink bow tied around her neck and was looking expectantly at Dweeze.

He had actually roped Annie into his latest delusion and this would not do at all.  Just at the point, Squig was about to march in there and drag her back into the real world. Dweezil opened his mouth and began.

"Good morning young ladies throughout the world wide web and our current studio student, Miss Snowballinsky.  Today's topic is table manners."

All of this was said with a stupid Pepe le Peu phony French accent and Squig made gagging noises under his breath.

"Today, " Dweezil continued, "I am going to introduce you to our very first Dweezil Don't, mystery cat Mr. S.I., and together we are going to observe his horrific table manners. In case you need to review our film,we will very soon be posting it on You Tube under the heading M. Dweezil's Don'ts. So, if our behind the scenes assistant would be so kind as to start the film we can now commence our lesson.

Firstly I would like you to notice the obnoxious way he is weaving between his human's legs. He is never letting up, applying constant pressure. This will not get you fed any faster," he instructed. " In fact it has the opposite effect on humans.  In annoys them into slowing down."

Squig paced back and forth, trying to figure out how to sneak Annie out while Dweezil was busy acting like an ass.

"Just listen to Mr. S.I.'s annoying screech." Dweezil commented. It says to the whole world, I'm needy and desperate.  And I want to make it perfectly clear, that these are two characteristics a cat never want's applied to him or herself"

He waived his paw in the air and smiled into the camera. "Let's turn the sound up louder, so we can all catch the desperation in that voice."

Squig snapped to attention.  He knew that voice and when the sound was amplified,  he knew exactly who mystery cat, Mr. S.I was.  It was him, Mr. Squigman Igmewkowski. His ears went back and his eyes narrowed into slits as he turned to watch the rest of the film that was soon to be on You Tube.

"Now watch, " Dweezil tut, tutted, as the cat on the screen launched himself onto the counter. "He is now putting his paws, which have been heaven know where, on a newly sanitized counter.  Disgraceful. Watch as he knocks his head into the spoon.  Appalling.  Just listen as slurps and chomps. Nasty.  And for the coup de grace of repulsiveness, just look at his face as he manages to lift it out of the bowl."

Horrified, Sqig watched as on the screen, he lifted his open mouth out of the bowl and dripped half chewed food onto the counter top.  He got to see it again as Dweeze order the shot  zoomed in for a close up of the food falling out of his mouth.

"You dare put that video on You Tube," he roared launching himself at Dweezil, claws extended and paws swinging, "and I'll, I'll.."

"You'll what," Dweezil answered, arching his eyebrows and looking entirely bored. "Do tell us what you'll do.  I'm sure the whole world is just chomping at the bit waiting to hear."

Squig sat down and smiled nastily as he knew, for once, exactly what to do. "I will tweet a picture of your butt and underneath it, I will write, "Guess who's overdue for his sanitary cut.  First clue.  HIS NAME RHYMES WITH WEASEL 


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