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Sunday, March 31, 2013

Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag Curious in Cincinatti

Once again, Dweezil and Squig creep into Maia's office, and hop up on to the desk chair.

Before turning on the computer, Dweezil turns to Squig and says in a very stern tone of voice,"Remember what we decided for you?"

"There will be no airing of dirty laundry.  There will be no contradicting Dweezil.  There will be no stupid remarks," Squig intoned laying back his ears and looking entirely annoyed.

"Good," Dweezil nodded as he turned on the computer,then the camera, and said, "we're on smile."

Both cats sat up in the chair and smiled.

"Good morning cats and kittens around the world.  You have tuned into Uncle Dweezil's mailbag and today we have a very important letter from our little friend, Curious in Cincinnati." Dweezil continued and extending a claw reached under the laptop and pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper.  Smoothing it down, he took a deep breath and read:

"Dear Uncle Dweezil, where do kittens come from?

"Oh that's an easy one,"  Squig said happily.  "If you're me, you come from a loving home and if you're him, he continued wrapping a paw around Dweezil, "you come from a barn."

"That's not what our little friend wants to know Squigman," Dweezil sighed, shoving off the offending paw "Care to try again."

"OK, OK, let me think.  Kittens can come from anyplace," he continued after giving the question some thought. "They can come from loving homes, barns, someplace called a shelter.   Sometimes they can even be found outside."

"Squigman," Dweezil shrieked "that is not what our friend wants to know.  She wants to know, WHERE DO KITTENS COME FROM."

Blank look.

"Alright, let me put this in simpler terms, since that phrase obviously has too many big words for you.  Let's try how are kittens made?"

"How are kittens made," Squig repeated, pondering the question and then as reality dawned, said "oh, that's what she wants to know? Oh my,"

"Exactly, " Dweezil beamed, "where do kittens come from."


Sunday, March 24, 2013

Perplexed Part 2

Dweezil cleared his throat and then turned the camera back on.

"I'm sorry folk, Squigman had to use the litter box, didn't you Squigman?"

Squig nodded yes, while giving Dweezil the stink eye.

"Now where was I?  Ah yes, we are now moving to the indoor pee pee holes that are conveniently available in several rooms through out the house.  And here is what's important about them:  First you may only use the cat sized pee pee holes that are located in the same room as the human's.  No matter where else in the house you may find one, you are only allowed to use the pee pee holes that are close to where the humans do their human business.  And the second important point, is that you can only pee pee in the hole." He instructed, extending and pointing his claw for emphasis.  You must never, and I mean never poo poo in the pee pee hole."

"I did that once and it was a nightmare" Squig said softly a haunted look coming over his face."

"Squigman," Dweezil hissed, "This is not the venue for airing dirty laundry."

"I couldn't cover it up and when I tried to shove it down the hole it got all over my paws.."

"Squigman, enough!  Nobody is interested in hearing all the disgusting details of your personal faux pas"

"I tried to cover it with Maia's scrubby thing and it got all over it,"Squig continued compelled by some inner demon to relive his personal disaster.

"Squigman," Dweezil shrieked,  all we need to say is there is no poo pooing in the peepee hole.  Do I make myself clear!"

"I can see it just like it was yesterday," Squig continued wringing his paws.

"What is going on here?" I demanded coming into my office. 

"Maia," the cats squeaked jumping off my office chair.

"You know, when I read that post about perverted boy coyotes and hairdo's down there, I thought I was swimming in a cess pit of stupidity.  But this latest effort, makes that look like a philosophy symposium held at Harvard."

"Maia, I can explain," Dweezil answered scrambling around for justification.

"I just bet you can," I replied, while inwardly cackling and thinking to myself, STRIKE ONE.  This blog is well on it's way to being mine again.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag - Perplexed in Paducah

Dweezil and Squig creep silently into Maia's office.  Noiselessly they hop on the desk chair and extending a claw, Squig opens her laptop.  Dweezil, peering into the computer, extends a claw and types in Maia's password.  They wait until the computer comes on and then turning his head, Dweezil says, "wait until I get the camera turned on and then smile when I look over at you.."

Sqig nods in agreement and waits while Dweezil gets things up and running, and then as Dweezil mutters "lights, camera, action, we're on, Smile!" both cats sit up and smile up into the camera.

"Good morning all of my Internet friends, I'm your kindly Uncle Dweezil, and this", he continues, turning his head in Squig's direction," is my good friend, Squigman."

"Today, I have chosen a letter from our little friend, Perplexed in Paducah.  Dear Uncle Dweezil, " he intoned in a smarmy tone of voice, "I love my human mommie."

"Of course you do."

"And I follow her all of the house, including that little room where she goes and sits down. One day I realized that what she was sitting on was a human sized pee pee hole and I wondered if maybe somewhere in the house, I could find a cat sized one, that's already made and not in my litter box."

"Uh oh," Squig muttered under his breath, knowing exactly where this was heading.

"So one day when we were in the room where she chops up food, I found one.  Excitedly I jumped on top of it and proudly used the pee pee hole. Do you know what she did! Instead of praising me and telling me how smart I was, she smacked me and told me I was a bad kitty. I am perplexed.  What did I do wrong?

"You made a very honest mistake and I have decided to use your letter as a reason to go into the very important topic of the careful construction of the pee pee hole.  Lets go outside, since many of you of acess to the great outdoors.  First you must never construct your hole in an area that looks like a litter box. If something has four constructed sides, walk away. 

Instead, try and find a small stream.  Maybe one underneath the waving branches of weeping willow tree.  It is here that you can find a zen spa like environment in which to dig your pee pee hole."

"Dweeze," Squig interjected, "This is a pee pee hole we're talking about.  You dig it, you do your cat business, you cover it up and leave.  What's up with the zen spa like environment? I don't know what one is and I bet little Perplexed doesn't either.

"Squigman,  Squigman, Sguigman, " Dweezil sighed, "What are you doing while Maia is watching all of those home decorating shows.  Don't you know that if the human room does not have a zen spa like environment, the human hires big men with big hammers to smash it up until it does.  We cats don't have to go to all that trouble.  We just have to go outside to find that serene zen spa like environment.

"But Dweeze what if Perplexed lives in a big city, or a crowded suburb, or worse yet, a place where there a bunches of coyotes, just waiting to grab our little..."

"Enough, why do you always have to make things so difficult.  If I say he should try and find a zen spa like environment that's what he should do.

"But Dweeze,"

"Zip it,"

"But Dweeze,"

"ZIP IT," Dweezil hissed drawing a claw across his mouth.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Taking Back Control More or Less

"Dweezil, Jolie" I shout walking into the barn area,"What is the meaning of this?  Stop this fighting right now."

"Maia," Jolie shreiked, Running over to me, "Dweezil ruined your blog, and then he said that I was annoying, and then he said," she continued, smacking her lips like a foal, "that my buttocks are ugly and hideous."

"Dweezil," I said as firmly as I could, "I will deal with you in a minute."

"Jolie, your buttocks (pronounced correctly) are just fine and you are not annoying, you're just young." At which point Jolie turned her head in Dweezil's direction and stuck out her tongue.  Who knew horses could do that?

"OK Dweezil, just what to you think you are doing?"

"Taking over your unused blog," he remarked snidely while closely examining his claws."

"Well that's not going to happen you imperious little toad"

"Pope Dweezil, the imperious toad," Sqig thought to himself.  That was close, really really close, but not quite there.

"It's a done deal, I've done it.  We have taken over and we have such plans for this blog."

"Such as?" I inquired, dreading what I was about to hear.

"Well, first there's Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag, where I go online and answer some of the letters that have been pouring in for me.  And then there's Jolie's training from her viewpoint."

"Oh yes,  oh yes," Jolie responded jumping up and down and I'm sure people are going to want to know if I'm going to Miss Lita's or Mr. Jim's and what I think about that and how everybody loves me and thinks I beautiful."

"Uncle Dweezil's mailbag and Jolie's point of view on her training," I thought to myself "Yikes the implications were scary in the extreme. But on the other hand, if I let them try and things go as far out of control as I suspect they will, I can get this blog back without too much of a fight. And it's always better to do an end run around these three rather than  try and meet them head on when they club together.

Ok you three, you can give it a go.  But understand this Dweezil, you had better not get obnoxious while you're doing it.

"Pope Dweezil the obnoxious,"  Squig gloated, grinning from ear to ear.  It really was too perfect.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

It Hits the Fan Part 2

"Hi cats," Jolie called out trotting up to the boys, and then stopping in mid stride as she caught a glimpse of the new blog design, said "Holy cramolie, which one of you did this?"

"He did," Squig answered looking over at Dweezil with a decided stink eye.

Jolie coming closer to the newly altered sidebar, began to read aloud.

"Featuring Sir Dweezil, that's a nice picture Dweeze.  With appearances by his wingman, Sqig.  Dweeze, Squig isn't a bird or a human, he's a cat. So, he can't be a wingman now can he?"

She thought for a few seconds and then said, "he could be your claw cat or cackle, chuckle, snort, your paw pal."

Dweezil and Squig rolled their eyes and simultaneously sighed.

"And what's this," she continued, getting more agitated by the nanosecond, "and unfortunately also, the lovely BUT ANNOYING JOLIE.

Who says I'm annoying" she demanded. "I want to know right now, who said I'm annoying."

"He did," Sqig replied, extending a claw in Dweezil's direction.

"I am not annoying," Jolie shrieked as she stomped over to Dweezil. Everyone knows I'm wonderful. You have to be the only one on the planet who thinks I'm annoying.  And the only reason you do is because, you are peculiar."

"Pope Dweezil the peculiar," Squig pondered the idea and then discarded it.

"And the other thing that's way wrong with my piece of your slimy pie, is that picture. That's one of my baby pictures.  Why didn't you put up one of me now, wearing this cute outfit.

"If ," Dweezil answered, "you happen to be referring to that disgusting filthy rag currently covering your body, you might want to rethink that request."

"This is not a disgusting, filthy rag.  This is a cute outfit and I'm wearing it because I'm special."

"No," Dweezil responded, smiling up at her nastily,"you are not wearing that rag because you are special.  You are wearing it, because at present, you hiney is hairless."

"My what is what!"

"Your hiney is hairless," he replied patiently and then for clarification purposes continued with, "Yes, your hiney is hairless. Your patoot is pale. And your buttocks are bare." (a small aside, Dweezil being Dweezil pronounced the word buttocks with a hard b, a hard u and then tocks.)

"I don't know what a buttocks (pronounced the same way) is, but if I have one, it's beautiful."

"Yes you do and no it's not.  It's bare"

"It's beautiful."

"It's bare."

Jolie, reaching her neck down so that she was face to face with Dweezil, layed her ears flat back and hissed, "Listen up cat, my buttocks is beautiful":

Dweezil laying his ears flat back and puffing himself up to twice his size, hissed right back, "No it's not, it's bare.  And that missy, is the end of that."

"Oh no it's not cat.  It's just the beginning,"