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Saturday, November 30, 2013

Cleanliness is Next To..Don't Ask

"Squigman, get in here right now." Dweezil commanded from the newly remodeled jack and jill bathroom.  "Do you see this," he said pointing to the brand new self sifting cat box. "And do you see this," he continued pointing to the baseball bat in the corner.  "If you do not use this, cat box correctly," he instructed, "I will be forced to smack you around with that bat.

Squig was lounging against his bathroom door looking bored.  Obviously more instruction was called for.

"Allright," Dweezil said snarkily, "I will pretend I am you and show you how this box works.

He shoved Squig out of the way and reentered the room looking bored and out of it.  Scratching his butt and then under his arm he shuffled over to the box.  Plopping himself down on the seat he said, "Here I am doing my morning cat business and now that I'm done what was it that Dweezil said to do, hmm.:

A. Pull the lever and sift my nasty waste away.

B. Leave it in a stinking pile for Dweezil to find.

C. Forget that this box is self sifting and wreck it trying to cover things up.

Gee this is really a hard question.  Let me think.  What would Dweezil do.  Hmm, if I leave it in a stinking pile for Dweezil to find or wreck the box, Dweezil's going to hit my head with that bat. That might hurt, so I'd better push the lever.  Now all I have to do is clean myself up and I can leave.  Do you understand or should I make it simpler for you." he finished hopping off the box.

Squig stood there in sullen silence.

"OK, Squigman since I'm not getting a lot of response here, why don't you show me how it's done so that I know that you get it."

Squig smiled cheerfully as a wonderfully Dweezily idea came to him. Scooting into Dweezil's new room, he opened the door with a great deal of flourish and theatrics.  Flouncing over to the box, he sat down and moments later said with a smile as he waved his paws about, "Oh looky look what I have made.  Whatever should I do with it.  Sift it away or gild it and create something wonderful.  Oh I know, I should collect it, gild it, stick a feather in it and paste it on a hat. Aren't I the cleaverest kitty in the litter.  Oooh did I say litter, naughty, naughty me."

And with that Dweezil pounced and began choking Squig while Squig got in a few good swipes. Their battle was interrupted by the shriek of a police whistle and Yvette, poking her head in the bathroom, said, "Since you boys have so much energy, you can come downstairs and help me make room for the Christmas tree.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

We Gather Together

"I'll get that," Yvette called out in response to the ringing doorbell.  The family was gathered in the kitchen putting the finishing touches to their Thanksgiving feast. Dweezil had created a  masterpiece and was now supervising the ferrying of it from the kitchen to the dining room table.

Yvette took several deeps breathes and crossed her claws for good luck as she made her way down the hall.  Taking a deep breath and smiling broadly she opened the door and exclaimed, "Trixie, come in come in. Here let me help you with the pie," she continued taking the pie plate from the extremely nervous looking cat standing on her doorstep."

"Miss Yvette," she whispered in a shaking voice. "It was really sweet of you to ask me to dinner, but it's not too late to change your mind."

"I have no intention of changing my mind, and don't be nervous.  You've met everybody already,"

"That's what I'm worried about." she explained. "I don't think your son likes me too much. We didn't exactly meet under the best of circumstances."

"Now you leave my son to me, and don't you worry about a thing.  It will all be fine, you'll see.  You know a wise older gentleman cat once told me that you can't help where you start, it's what you make of yourself that counts.  And you are on your way to making something very nice out of yourself. So let's go into the dining room and join the rest of the family."

"Look who's here," Yvette called out to the cats gathered around the table. "It's Trixie,"

"Trixie, "Squig said happily.

"Miss Trixie," Annie shrieked running over to give her a big hug.

"Oh goodie," Dweezil said in a falsely benign tone, in response to his mother's be nice or die look., "It's Trixie. Our little party is now complete."

"Sit here between Annie and me," Squig said pulling out the chair. And Yvette watched as she sat down.

Taking her own place at the table, Yvette said quietly now before we eat, I would like everyone to join paws and take a moment to give thanks for our wonderful meal and to also give thanks for all the service cats in uniform who are far from home tonight. When they all looked up, she said I would like each of us to say what we are thankful for.  I'll start and we can go around the table.

Yvette:  I'm thankful that I found my son and when I did I found this wonderful family and a home."

Annie: " I'm thankful that instead of catching that mouse I caught you Dad and then I got Father and then Grandmom and now I've caught Trixie."

Trixie:" I'm thankful that Squig found something in me that I'd forgotten was there and believed in me until I started believing in myself."

Squig: "I'm thankful for you Dweezil.  From the day Maia brought me home, you have been the best big brother a guy could have.  And I'm thankful for you, Annie.  You make me happy everyday. And Trixie, what can I say."

Dweezil: " I'm thankful for you, Squigman. You let me win when you could easily beat me and I know that. And no matter what I think up, you go along with me even when you know I'm being absurd.  And Annabelle, you are the light of my life.  And mother, I'm glad you're here, sitting at our table. And Trixie," deep sigh, "you are welcome at my table."

And with that, the cats began to talk and laugh and enjoy their dinner.


I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am thankful for all of you come back every week to see what these guys are up to and I hope that this evening finds you surrounded by friends and family.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Winds of Change - Part 3

Yvette spent a very instructive hour on the phone with the lady cat next door, the outcome of which was that Annabelle was invited to play with the kittens next door.

Yvette walked quietly into her room and after waiting a moment, said sweetly, "Oh Annabelle, Cloe next door has invited you over to play with her kittens and I think it would only be nice for you to accept."

"I can't Grandmom, " she replied looking up from her desk.  "I can't leave the house until I've finished my 20,000 word essay on why fathers are always right and false advertising is against the law for a reason."

"I think," Yvette replied walking over to her and closing her notebook, "your essay is finished. Now run along next door and play.

It took Annie about two seconds to decide that playing with Brittany and Tiara next door beat out trying to think up another way of saying, "I was stupid and you were right," any way you wanted to put the two together and so she happily scampered down the stairs and out the front.

Yvette waited with narrowing eyes and switching tail until she heard the front door shut and then like a lady cat on a mission she marched down the stairs and into the kitchen.  Without giving him the opportunity to open his mouth in protest, she grabbed Dweezil by the ear and dragging him into the living room, shoved him onto the ornate and uncomfortable settee.  Ordering him to stay put, she walked into the study, turned off the tv and grabbed Squig by the ear.  Dragging him into the living room, she shoved him next to Dweezil.

"I have been on a fact finding mission upstairs and I would just like to know what you two baboons have to say for yourself." She demanded staring them down.

They both sat completely silent staring at their paws.

"Oh," she continued in a hiss, "you think it's appropriate to make a small kitten sleep all by herself in that huge, hideous room?"

"Now wait a minute, Mother Dweezil," Squig said highly offended. "I worked very hard  to give her a pretty pink princess room."

"That color is your idea of pretty?"

"Well it's pink and it was on sale at the home store." he shot back in his own defense.

"And you think it's appropriate for a small kitten to have to clean up your litter box waste?"

Squig sank back in the settee, wishing he could crawl under it  Damn, he been in a hurry this morning and hadn't covered up his business. Well he'd fix that as soon as this lemon squeeze was over.

"Kittens," Yvette continued,"like to snuggle up at night.  It makes them feel secure. And you, " she continued poking Squig in the chest, couldn't find a corner in your room for her?  No wait, you couldn't find a corner in that hell hole of yours for an ant.  A flea couldn't find an inch to call its own."

"Stop smirking Dweezil," she said turning to face her son.  You couldn't find a corner in that palace of yours for her?

"Mother," he explained happily, it wouldn't be right.  I'm a grown gentleman cat and she's a little girl.  What ever are you suggesting?"

"Don't make me add twisted and perverted to the growing list of unflattering adjectives I'm compiling about you." she said staring him down. It should satisfy you to know that Annabelle and I are moving into the Master Suite and you are moving into her old room.

"Oh no your not," Dweezil squawked jumping up and waiving his paws in agitation.

"Oh yes I am, " she answered pushing him back into settee. "In fact we have already moved in.  Annabelle will be sharing my bed until the two of you have fixed hers."

"I refuse to share a bathroom with that pig," Dweezil shrieked pointing at Squig.

"Then I suggest you spend the rest of the afternoon constructing an outhouse for yourself, or going to the antique store and buying yourself a chamber pot."

"Mother I spent a lot of time and money on that room and bathroom"

"So go spend some time and money on your new room and bathroom.  "And Squigman, she called over her shoulder as she walked out.  You have one week to clean up that sty or I'm calling in the Health Department.
Thanksgiving is less than a week and away and since we're having a guest over, I suggest the two of you get started."

Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Winds of Change - Part 2

Yvette stopped at the base of the stairs and retrieved a small notebook and a silver pen from her handbag.  Flipping the notebook open she followed Annie up the stairs and to the first bedroom. She hesitated momentarily as she opened her notebook and walked in.

"This is my bedroom,"  Annie announced proudly,"and this," she said indicating the small monstrosity located in the corner "is  my pink princess kitten bed."

Yvette eyeballed the room and wrote the following in her notebook. "Room and bed are painted the color of pink normally found in bottles of digestive medicine. Princess kitten is an incompetent cartoon of what I suppose is kitten wearing a tiara. All must change."

"Did you pick out this interesting color yourself or did your fathers help you," She asked, delicately arching an eyebrow.

"I told my dad I wanted a pretty pink princess kitten room and he painted the whole thing for me. He picked out the colors and everything. He even painted the princess kitten on my bed."

"I see," Yvette answered, "and did my son help out in this project?"

"Oh no," Annie said doing what Yvette imagined was a rather good imitation of her son. "Squigman, if you think for one second I am going to assist you in creating this vomit of a room, you can think again.  I refuse to be involved in this affront to good taste."

"Hmm," Yvette thought to herself, my granddaughter has a large hearted father with hideous taste."

"And this," Annie said opening one of doors leading off the bedroom, is the bathroom I shard with dad. Oh dear,"

"What," Yvette answered as she stepped forward and saw for herself.  Someone had used the litter box and had not covered up his business.  A very large someone going by the pile in the center of the box.

"You just wait right here grandmom and I'll just cover it up," Annie squeaked scrambling to deal with the offensive scene in front of her.

"You'll do no such thing," Yvette ordered as she snatched her back out the bathroom. " The culprit will march his parts back up here and clean up his mess. I assume  the state of his room is reflected in this mess."

"Dad isn't much into cleaning so we generally just shut his door." Annie explained trying to block her grandmother's entrance into the next room.

It didn't work as Yvette steamrolled on by her and with paws crossed over her chest, surveyed the disaster in front of her.  This room was not only hideously messy, but also disgustingly dirty complete with filthy laundry, cobwebs and dustballs the size of small cars.  This room needed an earth mover, pest control experts and a team of sanitizers to make it habitable. They would deal with this obscenity later.

"Alright," she said shutting the door. Let's have a look at my son's room.  They walked silently down the hall and entered the master suite.  The room was large airy and exquisitely decorated.  From the black silk toille wallpaper to the crested mahogany bed to the small alcove lined in built in bookshelves, everything was perfect.  She walked around measuring the dimensions of the room and turning her head in mid measurement asked, is there an en suite connected to this room? "

"Oh yes," Annie answered excitedly,"it's right here and opened the door to the most perfect bathroom Yvette had ever seen.  It came complete with a self sifting cat box, a large framed mirror, a vanity with a marble top, rain shower and chandelier.

"Yes," she said, "all of this will do nicely.  We are moving in here tonight."

"We, " Annie asked, confused.

"Yes, Annabelle, you and I are going to take this room as ours.  You are going to sleep in the small alcove and I am sleeping right here," she said sitting on the bed. Now why don't we go and tell the boys about our plans"

"Father's not going to like this," Annie muttered under her breath.

"That may be," she answered but this is what we are going to do starting now.


Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Winds of Change - Part 1

"Mother Dweezil, " Squig gasped as he hefted in the last of her ten suitcases, boxes, valises and carry ons. "What do you have in these, bricks?"

"Oh just a few personal accessories and my favorite objets de art,"  she said airily waving her paw.

Squig figured that her few personal accessories were all kinds of  hats, bonnets, and bows.  The Dweezil nut had obviously not fallen to far from the tree.  But what about that other group the objets de art
e. What were they?  He puzzled it out until he knew.  They were arty objects and arty objects were nothing but fancied up doodads.  Dweezil for once was actually right.  Lady  cats came attached to doodads.  And if the weight and number of boxes were any indication, this particular lady cat already had enough to festoon every inch of their house.

Scurrying over to Dweezil, he whispered, "Dweeze your mother is covered in doodads."

"What!" Dweezil said, extremely annoyed, "are you trying to insinuate about my mother."

"Those boxes," he whispered, "pointing to the pile in the hall," are crammed with doodads and when those doodads start procreating in the dark, our house is going to look like a place one of those TV hoarder experts will want to visit."

"How dare you say my mother is a hoarder and her priceless collection of objets de art are doodads.  Those are very rare and valuable collectibles, things which obviously a very low and common cat such as yourself couldn't possibly understand. A cat whose taste in art runs to football posters and girly calendars."

"Oh yeah, well who's got the website, fat lady cats on bikes," bookmarked oh his computer?" Squig shot back, crossing his paws against his chest. "I guess that's your idea of first class art."

"Why you," Dweezil snarled pouncing on him.

"Grandmom," Annie said nervously looking up at Yvette, shouldn't you blow your whistle?

"Heavens no.  They're having too much fun.  So while they're sorting each other out, why don't you show me the bedrooms, so that I can pick mine."


Sunday, November 3, 2013

And Boils Over Part 4

"Dweezil," the lady cat gasped, "My long lost kitten, Dweezil. You're alive!" And with that she fainted, crumpling into a tidy heap on the doorstep.

"Annabelle," Dweezil shouted as he rushed over to help his mother. "Bring me water, now."

Annie put down her pen, and ran out of her room and down the stairs to the kitchen. She pushed her stool over to the sink and climbing up on it, filled her ballerina glass with water. Being very careful not to spill any on the carpet, she ran to door.

"Here father," she said handing the glass to Dweezil.

"Father," the lady cat repeated as her eyes fluttered open.  "You have a kitten?"  Sitting up, she adjusted her hat back to it's rakish angle and then said,"Oh Dweezil, you have a kitten. When a mother sends her kittens out into the world, she hopes for the best, but tries not to have too many expectations, the world being the cruel place that it is."

Dweezil rushed to help his mother onto her feet, while a very impressed Annie retrieved her designer hand bag.

"Grandmom," Annie said smiling up at her.  "Here's your purse."

"You may call me Grand mere and we refer to this as a handbag," she instructed, taking it from her. "Now lets have a good look at you." She eyed Annie up and down for a few seconds and then, pronounced.,
"Oh Dweezil, she's adorable," and then stopped as a very annoying thought crossed her mind, "Of course, I don't want to be a bother and will spend my time sitting quietly in some corner.  I wouldn't want to upset the lady cat of the house, and oh by the way, where is she?"

With his unerring knack of having the worst timing possible, Squig walked into the hall scratching himself and asked, "Hey Dweeze, are there any more of the those tasty cheese straws hiding some place?"

Annie watched as an odd look flitted across Grandmom's face and then she sighed sadly and said, "A mother shouldn't have too many hopeful expectations in this cruel world and must learn to accept what she must."

Squig looked at the lady cat and then at Dweezil and smiling broadly walked over to her, threw his paws around her and giving her a big hug, said, "You must be Dweezil's mother."

Stepping back he said helpfully, "Now Mother Dweezil, I don't want you to get the wrong idea about your son and me.  We're just good friends and roommates."

"You may call me Yvette," she instructed, relaxing a little.

"No, Mother Dweezil, " that would be disrespectful.," he replied, " I'm  always going to refer to you as Mother Dweezil.  And I want you to get, down to the depths of your claws, that your son and I really like lady cats."

"Well some of us like lady cats," Dweezil commented leaning back against the wall, "While others of us prefer female felines."

"Hey, Fatso, at least I have a girl friend."

"I don't think it would be an exaggeration," Dweezil replied innocently, "To say that half of the sailing cats in the US Navy have had your girlfriend."

"You take that back right now.  You know that Trixie was just down on her luck."

"Trixie was certainly down on something, but I didn't know it was currently being called luck,"

"Why you,"

A shrill noise pierced the argument deflating it like a balloon and Annie watched as her grandmom, blew again on a silver police whistle and then put it back in her pur,,, handbag.

"If you two are all through figuring out how many sailing cats there are in the US Navy and thinking up new definitions for the word luck, would you please help me in with my things and show me to my room.  I am tired and would like to freshen up."  She said, giving her dads the stinkeye to end all stinkeyes.

Annie hugged herself in delight.  Her add had worked.  The right lady cat had arrived.