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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My Horse Is A Floozie

I always knew that my sweetpea of a quarterhorse girl was somewhat, shall we say, loose. Her favorite thing to do when in season, was to sashay herself to the windows of the geldings' stalls and then run through her "winky routine." Those of you who don't have mares, just imagine a "winky routine" that does not involve the eyes.

Well Kitt was AI'd yesterday. The AI process involves running a tube into the vagina.  Well, because this is a sort of, kind of, family friendly blog, I will not tell you what Miss Kitt did during the process. Sufice it to say, my vet said, "hmm, it's obvious this mare has had live cover and enjoyed it."

Did she basically skip out of the stall with a smile on her face? Did I feel like asking her if she wanted a cigarette?  (That comment certainly date yours truely.)  Am I the owner of an equine porn star?

Stay tuned.  Bringing up baby is getting more interesting by the minute.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I'm Back and How to Look Good on a Horse Part 1

Well here I am back.  I got sick and we had to leave our vacation early. What did I have?  According to a nurse practitioner who boards her horse where I board, Kitt.  I had one of the resistant varieties of the swine flu. Trust me on this.  You don't want to have this thing.  Get yourself vaccinated.  I cannot remember being this sick.  Yuck.

Anyway, I have several volunteers ready and willing to have a horse portrait taken for free.  Problem is they;re all twenty/thirty somethings.  We're going to look at them for poses only.

Here's the thing.  We're all, or most of are, fifty somethings and we we look at pictures taken of us when we were sixteen, twenty-five, or thirty and then look at recent photos, compared to what we used to look like, to ourselves, we look like hideous, wrinkled, haggy old bats. Maybe to ourselves, but not to the world.

Look in the mirror.  Really look at yourself.  If you ride everyday, you've got a good body. If you've got a few lines on your face, we can work with this. Part of being a professional portrait, wedding photographer is being a good stylist and I'm going to show you some tips and tricks. 

Here's your homework assignment.  This week, when you're at the feed shop or the grocery store or WallMart, I want you to look at women you think are your age. Compare yourself to them, not the stick insects in the short shorts. You're looking pretty good girls. Compared to the overweight ladies in the pink stretch outfits, with too much makeup or none at all, trust me you still  turn more than a few masculine heads. 

More later.

Oh yes, I have a few posts that I was working on from before I got sick.  First, "was it the vortex or vacation"? Guess what, I finealy calmed down,  And then there's  "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore,"about my time on the Navajo reservation. and finally, "Come in reverence" doesn't begin to describe Chaco Canyon and the Anasazi.  It's more like, "walk in awe, walk with respect and then leave with so many questions for which there are no answers. "

Friday, June 4, 2010

Truth and Beauty

I've tried to figure out how to do this post, I've started and deleted it so many times. But I think this is something everyone who wants to be work on their shots needs to know.  Back in the day I worked for the National Geographic Magazine.  No, I wasn't a photographer.  I answered letters to the editor. But I took the senior editors' photography class and what they taught me has stayed with me. Here is a word for word statement from them, "Any moron can learn the technical stuff.  The fstops and the shutter speeds. It's not hard. But those photographers who reach for greatness understand art. So while I'm on vacation, I'd like those of you who want a photographic career, to study art. What do you want to do, weddings, portraits, new west shots?  Go to the library and get art books out and look at how the greats did what you want to do. Look at the poses.  Look at the light. This is what will take you to the next level'

First up when I come back is how to look good when photographed with your horse. Here's a hint, if you're not twelve, it's not at a show.  Horse photography is tricky.  Well we'll get into that when I come back. Then, because we have to, I'll talk about shutter speed. And then the fun stuff, the rule of thirds and the s curve of beauty. Take loads of pictures and know that I'm holding positive thoughts about all of you. Each and every one of you are special.  Rock on Girlfriends.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Fun Just Keeps On Keeping On

Today was the day Miss Kitt was to be AI'd.  I was a wreck all day, worrying about it.  So finally I decided, I was going to be there and I didn't care about the consequences.  I announced I was taking two hours personal time and went out to the barn.  No semen.  I called FedEx and they said it would be there by 4:30.   4:30 arrived and no semen. I called FedEx, oh my the shipment was delayed in Denver because of technical difficulties with the plane. Did they say this, or have this on their website. No they did not. They kept saying it would be there by 4:30.  After I screamed and shrieked and threatened, they promised me it would be there before noon tomorrow. Then I called my vet and she wanted it there by 9:30am because of her obligations.  So I called FedEx again and the toady who talked to me said that the only guarantee I had was that it would be there by 4:30 not before noon like the other agent said, and he told me that that agent had no right to tell me that it would be there in the morning..  The barn owner is talking lawsuits, the vet is going to come back at $100 a pop and we're starting over.  I'll be on vacation.  The stallion station is wonderful and I will never ship anything FedEx again.  Hello angry Gods could you please cut me a break here.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Bad Day

I received three phone calls today. The first was from my best friend who is like my sister.  Her brother in law walked out to his lounge chair, took out his pistol and blew his brains out. That left her fragile sister to find the blood and the brains and to have to call 911, and then call my friend to have to deal with the whole mess.

Call  number 2, my summer daughter, Laura, Her mother couldn't be bothered to raise a child. so my brother sent her East every summer.  She's pregnant and the dad has staph.

Call #3 the equine vet called to say Miss Kitt has be bred tomorrow,so instead of some lovely ritual, I have to beat my feet down to the barn, collect the equitaner and then make sure it gets out of here second day air. So much for lovely I an hemorrhaging money instead of having something beautiful.

This has been so bad, I don't know what to say