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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag - Perplexed in Paducah

Dweezil and Squig creep silently into Maia's office.  Noiselessly they hop on the desk chair and extending a claw, Squig opens her laptop.  Dweezil, peering into the computer, extends a claw and types in Maia's password.  They wait until the computer comes on and then turning his head, Dweezil says, "wait until I get the camera turned on and then smile when I look over at you.."

Sqig nods in agreement and waits while Dweezil gets things up and running, and then as Dweezil mutters "lights, camera, action, we're on, Smile!" both cats sit up and smile up into the camera.

"Good morning all of my Internet friends, I'm your kindly Uncle Dweezil, and this", he continues, turning his head in Squig's direction," is my good friend, Squigman."

"Today, I have chosen a letter from our little friend, Perplexed in Paducah.  Dear Uncle Dweezil, " he intoned in a smarmy tone of voice, "I love my human mommie."

"Of course you do."

"And I follow her all of the house, including that little room where she goes and sits down. One day I realized that what she was sitting on was a human sized pee pee hole and I wondered if maybe somewhere in the house, I could find a cat sized one, that's already made and not in my litter box."

"Uh oh," Squig muttered under his breath, knowing exactly where this was heading.

"So one day when we were in the room where she chops up food, I found one.  Excitedly I jumped on top of it and proudly used the pee pee hole. Do you know what she did! Instead of praising me and telling me how smart I was, she smacked me and told me I was a bad kitty. I am perplexed.  What did I do wrong?

"You made a very honest mistake and I have decided to use your letter as a reason to go into the very important topic of the careful construction of the pee pee hole.  Lets go outside, since many of you of acess to the great outdoors.  First you must never construct your hole in an area that looks like a litter box. If something has four constructed sides, walk away. 

Instead, try and find a small stream.  Maybe one underneath the waving branches of weeping willow tree.  It is here that you can find a zen spa like environment in which to dig your pee pee hole."

"Dweeze," Squig interjected, "This is a pee pee hole we're talking about.  You dig it, you do your cat business, you cover it up and leave.  What's up with the zen spa like environment? I don't know what one is and I bet little Perplexed doesn't either.

"Squigman,  Squigman, Sguigman, " Dweezil sighed, "What are you doing while Maia is watching all of those home decorating shows.  Don't you know that if the human room does not have a zen spa like environment, the human hires big men with big hammers to smash it up until it does.  We cats don't have to go to all that trouble.  We just have to go outside to find that serene zen spa like environment.

"But Dweeze what if Perplexed lives in a big city, or a crowded suburb, or worse yet, a place where there a bunches of coyotes, just waiting to grab our little..."

"Enough, why do you always have to make things so difficult.  If I say he should try and find a zen spa like environment that's what he should do.

"But Dweeze,"

"Zip it,"

"But Dweeze,"

"ZIP IT," Dweezil hissed drawing a claw across his mouth.


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