In the Kitchen with Dweezil and Squig

Dweezil went into the kitchen in a high state of anticipation.  He hopped on the counter and inspected everything carefully. All was as it should be, the necessary spices and liquids were in their respective bowls  and in the big ceramic blue bowl he was pleased to notice that the main ingredient had been chilled until comatose.

Hopping off the counter, he next went over to the oven and leaping on it saw that the large cast iron pan had just the right amount of oil in it.  Everything, was in every way, just perfect.

He sighed, a pleasurable sigh and jumping down from the top of the oven, opened the lowest drawer and there, as expected, were a small chef's apron and two cat sized chef's hats.  He pulled out the apron and put it on, noticing with a great deal of satisfaction that the words, "Chez Dweezil," were emblazoned on the front. He then fluffed out his chef's hat and put it on. 

"Everything's  ready and it's going to be just perfect," he thought to himself, almost purring with delight.

"What have you done," Squig demanded as he came into the kitchen. "You had to have help.  You couldn't have done this by yourself.  What are you doing, and why are you wearing that get up?

"Put on the hat," Dweezil commanded, pointing to the other cat sized chef's hat.

"I will not." Squig said, narrowing his eyes and sitting down.

"Put on the hat," he repeated calmly. "In this episode, you are appearing in the role of the sous chef and sous chef's where hats. Therefore, so are you."

"No," Squig replied, nastily,"In this episode, I am appearing in the role of the cat and cats do not wear hats."

"Let me be quite clear about this," Dweezil explained, "In this episode you are appearing in the role of the sous chef and you are going to wear that hat."

"No, in this episode, I am appearing in the role of the hatless cat, and you obviously are appearing in the role of the nut.  The ahh, umm, iii,"

"What?" Dweezil asked sweetly, "Having trouble coming up with type of nut.  Let me help."  Extending a claw and patting it against his cheek, he continued, "Am I a wing nut? No, what about a macadamia nut, or how about a cashew?  Then there's always, almonds or peanuts, and I do believe that acorns are considered nuts.  Am I appearing in the role of the acorn?"

"No," Squig screamed.  "You are appearing in the role of the nut who thinks he's Brad Pitt or President Obama."

"That may be." Dweezil answered calmly walking over to Squig, "But you are appearing in the role of sous chef and you are going to wear this hat." And with that, he crammed the hat on the top of Squig's head.

Walking away, he looked over his shoulder and said, "Oh by the way, since I am the chef and you are the sous chef, you will address me as Chef, or Chef Dweezil. Got it.?"

"Whatever, " Squig grumbled.

"What did you say, Sous Chef Squigman," Dweezil asked narrowing his eyes and flicking his tail.

"Yes sir, Chef Dweezil," Squig replied in a very flat tone of voice.

"Good."

TO BE CONTINUED

Squig's Pick For Music Video of the Week

"Now that's what I call angelic" Squig announced pumping his paws and dancing around the room

Squig's Opinion of Dweezil's Music Video

"Blech, yuck, Blouhey," Squig announced sticking out his tongue and making a face.  "In one word, BORING."

"However, did you see the size of the mouth on that broad? It looked like it could gobble down Baltimore, whole" Cackle, snort, double over laughing.

"However, folks, you only have to wait a few more days to see a real music video, one that's beautiful and," wink, wink, "angelic."

"This is fun, blogging by myself, with no Dweezil to stop me.  I'm definitely going to have to do this again."

Dweezil's Pick for Music Video of the Week

"Isn't she beautiful." Dweezil sighed. "A voice like an angel." 

Curious Part 3

Dweezil took a deep breath and began again.  "So when the daddy cat hears the mommy cat's lovely song, he comes over to pay her a visit.  He smiles and introduces himself and then the mommy cat invites him into her home where they head straight to the kitchen."

"Then," Squig interrupts, "the daddy cat rubs up against the mommy cat.,"

Dweezil's ears go back.

"He extends one little claw and gently caresses her,

Dweezil's tail starts twitching.

"until she moans, oh master...."

Dweezil interrupting Squig in mid moan, wraps his paws around his neck and starts throttling him, then after whacking him a good one,  knocks him off the chair, yelling, "You will stop this ridiculous rendition of 50 Shades of Gray, complete with Pepe le Pew phony French accent this minute.  What is the matter with you. Have you no sense of decency.  Now go and sit over there," he indicates a spot next to Maia's bookcase,"and keep your damn mouth shut."

"He said he wanted it to be romantic and what's more romantic than 50 Shades of Gray?" Squig grumbled as he slunk over to the bookcase and sat down.

"Now that we have that taken care of, we can continue, " Dweezil said wiping off his paws.

So the daddy cat goes over to the cupboards and gets out the ingredients and the mommy cat gets the mixing bowl and the muffin tin.  Together they mix up the batter and fill six little muffin cups.  Then the mommy cat gets out her oven mitts and puts the muffin tin in the oven.  The daddy cat seeing that all the little buns are safely in the oven, leaves.."

"Completely frustrated and totally confused," Squig interjects from his spot near the bookcase.

"While the mommy cat decorates her little nesting box with adorable soft cloths featuring tiny bunnies and baby mice.  Then she curls up to wait.

But she doesn't have to wait long.  Because soon the timer goes off. So she puts back on her oven mitts and takes out her muffin tin filled with precious little kittens.  Lovingly, she carries each one to the nesting box and once they are all safely in, she purrs them to sleep with her special lullaby.

And that my little friend are where kittens come from."  Dweezil finishes, smiling up at the camera.

"All that I can say about that stupid explanation," Squig grumbles to himself, "is that it really is obvious that someone certainly did have the 'procedure' at a very early age and should probably go talk to a mental health professional about it.

Curious Part 2

Dweezil cleared his throat and began, "And so my little friend, when spring has filled the air with sunshine and the birds are chirping and the flowers beginning to bud, the mommie cat comes outside"

"And heads straight for that zen spa spot where she's been digging her pee pee holes," Sqig interjected interupting Dweezil.

"And just why would she want to that?" Dweezil asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Because doesn't that spot underneath the willow tree by the rippling brook sound just like the perfect place for a litle romance?" Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Dweezil sighed deeply, rolled his eyes and ignoring Squig completely continued, "Yes, the mommie cat comes outside and sings her longing song for love.  And when the daddy cat hears her,"

"He comes sneaking and creeping through the underbrush," Squig interruped again and then jumped off the chair to show everyone what sneaking and creaping looked like. " And once he's got her in his sights, he pounces," Squig pounced back up on the chair. "Bites her on the neck and sticks his."

"SQUIGMAN," Dweezil roared, knocking Squig off the chair in mid bumb and grind, "You will stop this pornagraphic pantomime this minute." He put his paws over his eyes and took a few minutes to compose himself, and then turning to Squig hissed, "What is this infusion of filth?  Why must you drag the sewer into this discussion?"

"But Dweeze," Squig answered looking up, "Isn't that what happens.  You said you wanted us to be edgy and fun, so I just thought."

"There will be no more thinking, Squigman. You have obviously been out in the sun too long or eaten a bad mouse. Your brain, what little there is of it, is not working properly."

"But Dweeze?"

"There are ways and there way to talk about this and we are going to take the high road, the one filled with beauty and romance. So get back up here and apologize and we are going to start over."

"Squig hopped back up and muttered, " I'm sorry." But he really wasn't.

TO BE CONTINUED 

Uncle Dweezil's Mailbag Curious in Cincinatti

Once again, Dweezil and Squig creep into Maia's office, and hop up on to the desk chair.

Before turning on the computer, Dweezil turns to Squig and says in a very stern tone of voice,"Remember what we decided for you?"

"There will be no airing of dirty laundry.  There will be no contradicting Dweezil.  There will be no stupid remarks," Squig intoned laying back his ears and looking entirely annoyed.

"Good," Dweezil nodded as he turned on the computer,then the camera, and said, "we're on smile."

Both cats sat up in the chair and smiled.

"Good morning cats and kittens around the world.  You have tuned into Uncle Dweezil's mailbag and today we have a very important letter from our little friend, Curious in Cincinnati." Dweezil continued and extending a claw reached under the laptop and pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper.  Smoothing it down, he took a deep breath and read:

"Dear Uncle Dweezil, where do kittens come from?


"Oh that's an easy one,"  Squig said happily.  "If you're me, you come from a loving home and if you're him, he continued wrapping a paw around Dweezil, "you come from a barn."

"That's not what our little friend wants to know Squigman," Dweezil sighed, shoving off the offending paw "Care to try again."

"OK, OK, let me think.  Kittens can come from anyplace," he continued after giving the question some thought. "They can come from loving homes, barns, someplace called a shelter.   Sometimes they can even be found outside."

"Squigman," Dweezil shrieked "that is not what our friend wants to know.  She wants to know, WHERE DO KITTENS COME FROM."

Blank look.

"Alright, let me put this in simpler terms, since that phrase obviously has too many big words for you.  Let's try how are kittens made?"

"How are kittens made," Squig repeated, pondering the question and then as reality dawned, said "oh, that's what she wants to know? Oh my,"

"Exactly, " Dweezil beamed, "where do kittens come from."

TO BE CONTINUED