The Plot Thickens - Part 2

"Now just wait right here and don't go anywhere," Dweezil commanded shiftily as he left the kitchen.

"Now where does he think I would go?" Squig asked himself sarcastically.  He knew that whatever was coming was going to be one of Dweezil's better efforts, but this time it would be different.  This time he would be prepared and ready.  Nothing Dweezil could do would shock him.

Nothing except exactly what Dweezil did, arrive back in the kitchen wearing a cabbage rose print sun dress, a jaunty straw hat with streaming pink ribbons, bright pink lipstick and false eyelashes.

"Oh Squigman, sweety pie," he lisped as he minced over to where Squig stood wide eyed in shocked horror. "I ran into Merlot and Miewsette down at the fur salon, and we got into a discussion about our gentleman cats and how they had let themselves go"  He purred, sidling up to Squig and batting his false eyelashes for emphasis.

Recovering quickly, Squig backed away and answered very cleverly, if he did think so himself, "Oh you did, did you Dweezette, and just else, besides your gentlemen cats, did you girls talk about?"

And so while Dweezil chattered cheerfully away about gentleman cats and fur styles, Squig was busily picturing the padded cell into which he was going to install him. It would be a lovely place where the costume du jour would of course be a straight jacket.  But wait, what about the Dweeze's love of hats.  Well maybe with enough advanced notice, they could fine one with a hoodie.  And in his interludes of sanity, Dweezil could personalize it.  He almost fell down in hysterics visualizing Dweezil in straight jacket with a hoodie festooned in feathers and spackled over in sequins.

He was so busy congratulating himself on his clever solution to this little problem that he almost missed Dweezil saying something about a little surprise and a special guest.  He looked up just in time to see him blowing little kisses and twirling out the door.

He immediately ran over to the computer, pulled up the Baltimore Yellow Pages and started looking up the phone number for a place to send Dweezil.  Nut house didn't seem to be the correct term and so he tried loony bin.  When that didn't work either, he started frantically thinking up every word he knew that meant crazy. He was so busy at it, that he almost missed Dweezil's grand entrance.

"Yo bro," he sneered as Squig looked up from the computer.

"Ok, " he answered, "I'll bite.  Who am I dealing with now?

"I," he replied, humbly placing a paw on his chest, "am D'Weze, fur dresser to the stars."

TO BE CONTINUED

The Plot Thickens

"Daddies," Annie asked innocently,  putting her front paws behind her back and crossing her claws for good luck.  They were all sitting in the den and her Daddy Dweezil was reading the paper while her Daddy Squig watched TV.

"Yes, dear?" Dweezil asked putting down his paper and neatly folding it up.

"What do you mean, safe," Squig squawked while jumping up and down in his seat."You blind moron, the runner is out.  Anybody can see that he's out.  Is everybody on the field asleep. Why isn't somebody protesting that call!"

"Ahem, Squigman," Dweezil interjected,"Annabelle has something that she'd like to ask us.  Go right ahead Sweet Pea, now what did you want to say."

"Yeah, Annie what's up." Squig asked turning his attention away from the blind moron and runner who was clearly out.

"Well," she began, "I would like to suggest, that it might be nice, if we sort of, you know, kind of like invited a lady cat to come over and stay with us."

"A what," Dweezil and Squig asked in unison.

"You know," Annie squeaked, "A grown up girl cat..."

"Oh Squigman," Dweezil asked innocently, "might I have a word with you in private?"

"Oh sure, Dweeze," Squig answered hopping  and following Dweezil down the hall and into the kitchen.

"There will be no lady cats living in this house!" Dweezil pronounced banging his paw down on the counter for emphasis.

"But Dweeze," Squig interjected wanting to point out the obvious, that their Annie was going to be a lady cat in a few short years.

" Do you know what they call two or more lady cats gathered together?  Dweezil asked narrowing his eyes and twitching his tail.

"No." Squig answered shaking his head.

" A lynch, that's what they call them. A lynch of lady cats.  A lynch as in a lynch mob, because that's what those lady cats are compelled to do, string up some poor unsuspecting gentleman cat and change his life forever."

"Now how do they do that, Dweeze."

"It all starts with doodads." Dweezil explained, "Each lady cat comes complete with doodads and if you don't see them right away, it's not because they're not there. She's just got them hidden .You see doodad hiding is part of her sneaky and devious nature.

"It all starts off innocently enough," he continued expansively, warming up to his subject. "We'll come home one morning from a fine nights hunting, and there it will be, one innocent, innocuous looking doodad. But don't be fooled my friend, no don't be fooled. Because while we are sleeping, that one innocent, innocuous doodad will have spawned two others. And then there will be ten doodads cluttering up our house and then two hundred and then two thousand, and before we know it our comfortable abode will have been converted to a shrine to the almighty doodad," Dweezil thundered in tones that would have made an evangelical preacher proud.

"But that's not the worst thing she'll do," he hissed  lowering his voice for maximum effect. " You see, that lady cat will not rest until she's turned us into her own personal doodads."

"Now Dweeze, be reasonable." Squig asked, trying to interject some sense into this ridiculous discussion that was quickly spiraling out of control. "How on earth can a lady cat turn me into a doodad?

"Easy," you poor naive thing." Dweezil sighed, shaking his head. "It will have happened before you realize its done."

"No it won't,"

"Want to bet."

"Sure."

"You're on."

TO BE CONTINUED IN TWO WEEKS.  GOING ON VACATION.

A Rose By Any Other Name...Or Whatever

Hmm. Dweezil cleared his throat in order to get Annie's attention.  Good child that she was, she was hard at work studying,"Mousing 101."

"Hmm.hmm, hmm," Dweezil tried again, a little louder and a whole lot more strident.

"Yes, Daddy Dweezil," Annie asked looking up from her book.

"Well, " he began, sitting down and wrapping his tail around  his legs, "Since your father, Squigman, and I have basically adopted you, I was thinking that maybe we should do something about your name."

"But I like my name," she protested. "It's my name and I like it."

"Now, now, " Dweezil continued pointing a claw in her direction. " Don't make a decision until you've heard my suggestion. What would you say to us changing your name to Lady Annabelle of Inwood?  Doesn't that have a lovely, phonetic ring to it?"

"Not as lovely and phonetic as Annie Igmewkowski," Squig interjected walking into the room.  Annie Igmewkowski, now that's what I call a name."

"Yes," Dweezil said snarkily, "Annie Igmewkowski is certainly what someone like you would call a name."

"Well what's wrong with it?"

"Igmewkowski is a very lowww and common name.  I wouldn't hesitate to say," he continued, closely examining his claws, "that you could search the whole world over and never find a noble anything, named Igmewkowski."

"At least I have a last name,"Squig hissed, laying back his ears, "Sir Dweezil of the barnyard."

"Oh yes," Dweezil hissed right back, coming face to face with Squig, "You couldn't even find an earthworm or an amoeba willing to be called Igmewkowski. That name is so low class."

"So says Sir Dweezil of the poop pile."

"Why you miserable little rodent."

"What, I'm no longer the traitorous snake?  Having trouble coming up with adjectives to describe me?" Squig answered pleasantly.  I can certainly describe you.  You're a a big fat phony."

"Daddies," Annie squeaked, not realizing they were a wonderful time  Stop fighting this instant. "  It was no good.  She was outnumbered.  How could one small girl kitten keep two gentlemen cats in line.  She needed help.  She needed an ally.  She needed a lady cat.

M. Dweezil's Ecole de Charme - Part 3

Dweezil smiled over at Annie. "Well are you ready to try your table manners?

"Oh yes, Daddy Dweezil, I'm ready."

"Daddy Dweezil," he thought happily to himself, drawing his paws to his chest. "She said Daddy Dweezil.  She didn't say Daddies or Daddy Dweezil and Daddy Squigman, she only said Daddy Dweezil."

This observation was not lost on Squig who was sulking in the corner, pretending complete disinterest in the whole thing.

"Now if my off the air assistant will please bring the food bowl out." he instructed as a large pink bowl of wet cat food materialized. "When you're ready Annabelle, let's see how a little lady eats her dinner."

Dweezil was horrified to watch Annie scrunch down, wiggle her butt, and without further ado launch herself over the desk, landing with all four feet in the bowl.  His shock intensified as she buried her face in the food, messing up her carefully tied bowl.

"Annabelle," he squawked, what are you doing? You are supposed to be eating  like a lady, like a Dweezil Do."

"Oh yes, she said with her mouth full of food, "Chicken, I definitely smell chicken. It has the bouquet of a whole bunch of chickens. And it has the flavor of a whole bunch of chickens with maybe a rooster tossed in for spiciness."

"No, no, no," Dweezil shrieked  That is not right. " Did you learn nothing from my instructive Dweezil Do film."

And with that Squig turned to face the camera and said happily. "That's my little girl, folks.  Isn't she a pistol?"

Dweezil however, took off his beret and buried his face in his paws.  It was obviously going to be a very long, uphill slug fest, turning this little hooligan into a proper cat.

M. Dweezil's Ecole de Charme - Part 2

"You traitorous snake," Dweezil hissed, "you wouldn't dare."

"Oh wouldn't I, Squig hissed back.  "And as far as being a snake, you bet I am.  I'm the great big boa constrictor hiding in the tree waiting for your fat weasely butt to come by and then I'm going to drop down on you and start, choking."

And with that the fight began in earnest.

"Daddies!," Annie screamed running up to them.  Stop that right now.

"Daddies?" Squig thought in  mid choke.

Daddies?" Dweezil thought in mid chomp.

"Daddies!" they said in unison, turning their heads to stare straight at Annie in shocked disbelieve.

"Yes, daddies," Annie remarked, primly.  It makes kittens upset to see their daddies fight.  Now shake paws and say you're sorry."

Squig spit out the words first, without feeling any remorse at all.  He was followed by Dweezil, who muttered something about traitorous snakes under his breath.

"That doesn't sound like an I'm sorry to me." Annie admonished.  You try it again. Now shake paws and say you're sorry.

"I'm sorry," they both said slowly and shook paws with a decided lack of enthusiasm.

Retrieving his beret and turning to face the camera, which he sincerelty hoped had not been filming this entire time, said, "Well now that we have seen the Dweezil don't of table manners, let's turn our attention to the Dweezil Do, featuring, you guessed it, me."

"Why am I not surprised," Squig said under his breath, garnishing him a stick eye from Annie.

"Now said Dweezil, notice how I am patiently waiting for the food to come to me.  See the lack of interest I am displaying, as if food is the last thing on my mind.  Once it has been placed in my bowl and set near me and only after several seconds of my human telling me how wonderful it is and begging me to eat, do I slowly walk up to the bowl. Now I sniff the entree, taking in the bouquet. Ah, I believe it was chicken and tomato. Next I take a sip of the broth and savor the flavors.  And finally when each of  these steps has been completed, do I condensed to take the first bite.  Hmm, delicious I seem to be saying.

And smiling into the camera, Dweezil purrs happily, "Bon Apetite."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
   

M. Dweezil's Ecole de Charme - Part 1

Squig walked into the kitchen and was shocked.  He wasn't sure why.  By now he should be immune to Dweezil's antics,  But somehow they always managed to take him by surprise.  Today, Dweeze was marching around in a stupid looking beret and there was a large film screen set up in one corner.  Someone was helping him again, but who? Now if he was Dweeze, he would be putting on a Sherlock Holmes hat and marching around with a pipe muttering things like, "Elementary, my dear Squigman."

Drumming his claws on the floor, he thought about it for awhile as he took in all of the particulars of this latest insanity.  There was Dweezil marching around looking officious and there was little Annie, sitting primly behind a small desk.  She had a large pink bow tied around her neck and was looking expectantly at Dweeze.

He had actually roped Annie into his latest delusion and this would not do at all.  Just at the point, Squig was about to march in there and drag her back into the real world. Dweezil opened his mouth and began.

"Good morning young ladies throughout the world wide web and our current studio student, Miss Snowballinsky.  Today's topic is table manners."

All of this was said with a stupid Pepe le Peu phony French accent and Squig made gagging noises under his breath.

"Today, " Dweezil continued, "I am going to introduce you to our very first Dweezil Don't, mystery cat Mr. S.I., and together we are going to observe his horrific table manners. In case you need to review our film,we will very soon be posting it on You Tube under the heading M. Dweezil's Don'ts. So, if our behind the scenes assistant would be so kind as to start the film we can now commence our lesson.

Firstly I would like you to notice the obnoxious way he is weaving between his human's legs. He is never letting up, applying constant pressure. This will not get you fed any faster," he instructed. " In fact it has the opposite effect on humans.  In annoys them into slowing down."

Squig paced back and forth, trying to figure out how to sneak Annie out while Dweezil was busy acting like an ass.

"Just listen to Mr. S.I.'s annoying screech." Dweezil commented. It says to the whole world, I'm needy and desperate.  And I want to make it perfectly clear, that these are two characteristics a cat never want's applied to him or herself"

He waived his paw in the air and smiled into the camera. "Let's turn the sound up louder, so we can all catch the desperation in that voice."

Squig snapped to attention.  He knew that voice and when the sound was amplified,  he knew exactly who mystery cat, Mr. S.I was.  It was him, Mr. Squigman Igmewkowski. His ears went back and his eyes narrowed into slits as he turned to watch the rest of the film that was soon to be on You Tube.

"Now watch, " Dweezil tut, tutted, as the cat on the screen launched himself onto the counter. "He is now putting his paws, which have been heaven know where, on a newly sanitized counter.  Disgraceful. Watch as he knocks his head into the spoon.  Appalling.  Just listen as slurps and chomps. Nasty.  And for the coup de grace of repulsiveness, just look at his face as he manages to lift it out of the bowl."

Horrified, Sqig watched as on the screen, he lifted his open mouth out of the bowl and dripped half chewed food onto the counter top.  He got to see it again as Dweeze order the shot  zoomed in for a close up of the food falling out of his mouth.

"You dare put that video on You Tube," he roared launching himself at Dweezil, claws extended and paws swinging, "and I'll, I'll.."

"You'll what," Dweezil answered, arching his eyebrows and looking entirely bored. "Do tell us what you'll do.  I'm sure the whole world is just chomping at the bit waiting to hear."

Squig sat down and smiled nastily as he knew, for once, exactly what to do. "I will tweet a picture of your butt and underneath it, I will write, "Guess who's overdue for his sanitary cut.  First clue.  HIS NAME RHYMES WITH WEASEL 

TO BE CONTINUE

And Then There Were Three Part 2

"Now the thing to remember about Dweeze," Squig whispered looking down at his small companion,"is that he's very particular.  So you have to be on your best behavior at all times when he's around"

"I got it," she chirped happily looking up at him.  "I must always remember that the Dweeze thinks he's elegant and refined and that he's very particular."

He was taking her home.  What else could he do, leave her out there to starve or be some kind of tasty appetizer for the coyote. It all seemed logical and the right thing to do when they were in the field.  But somehow, standing here about to go in the house, ten million nervous worries were attacking from every angle.  He knewexactly what Dweezil was capable of when provoked; but trying to figure out just how provoked he was going to be by a new family member, was enough to make him want to go screaming back into the field.

Miss Annabelle Snowbalinski, however had no such worries or nervous trepidation, so she marched confidently into the kitchen, calling out, "Oh Dweeze, come and see me, I'm here."

Squig scrambled after her and arrived just in time to see Dweezil saunter around the corner and stop dead in his tracks as he observed the newcomer.

"So Squigman," he" hissed who or what is this?"

"Hiya Dweeze," She chirped walking up to him. "I'm Annabelle Snowballinski and I'm very pleased to meet cha."

Dweezil's ears went back and his tail started to twitch.  He was in the process of puffing himself up to twice his size, when the little interloper looked up at him and said, "Squig's told me all about you."

Squig smacked his paw up against his head.  Why hadn't he insisted that she call him Mr. Dweezil.  This was not going well at all.  He was just at the point of running to her rescue, when she chirped, "but he didn't tell me you were sooo cute."

Dweezil deflated like a balloon and his ears came forward and he curled his tail around his legs.

"You have to be the handsomest cat I've ever seen."

Was she batting her eyelashes at him.  Squig was dumbfounded.

"Squig told me you were all elegant and refined.  And so I was wondering, if it wasn't too much trouble, if you could show me how to be a lady."

"Oh my dear child," Dweezil cooed, "Of course I can show you how to behave." he purred walking over to her and kissing her ears. "You have just given me a wonderful idea.  A knew theme.  Perfection.  Now there's just one thing. He," Dweezil said pointing a claw in Squig's direction, "may be called Squig.  But I am always to be referred to as Mr. Dweezil." he smiled wrapping a paw around her. "Do you understand."

"Oh yes sir. Mr. Dweezil, I understand."

"Good"

Of all of the outcomes Squig could have perceived, this was not on the list.  And whenever Dweezil came up with a new 'wonderful idea,' it always meant trouble.